The Kensington Studio book launch

On March 19, 2013 The Kensington Studio hosted a book launch of The Decadent Sportsman, written by Medlar Lucan and Durian Gray.

The evening began as Medlar – dressed in a striped purple silk dressing gown – was interviewed by Isobel Pravda in the centre of the gym. After answering questions about the new book, Isobel enquired about the envelope Medlar carried close to his chest. Inside was a photograph of a young Arnold Schwarzenegger, which Medlar proceeded to light a candle in front of.

Medlar explained that the essence of decadent sport is pain. He suggested working his way through a series of exercises designed to induce pain as the legendary BBC forensic scientist Professor Dalton, read aloud the levels of Durian Gray’s Pain Index. Adam Naylor, a director of The Kensington Studio, put Medlar through his paces as he proceeded through the pain levels of Blue (evoking an involuntary gasp), Green (bringing tears and sweetness), Black (dark pain accompanied by depression and fear), Red (pain which leaves you teetering on the edge of consciousness), Purple (when pain becomes so intense that it surpasses all understanding) and finally White.

White pain is the rarest stage, and seldomlasts longer than a second or two. It precedes a loss of consciousness, and often hits the subject as a moment of great calm, like the eye of a storm. The pain is so great it dominates all time and space.

Once Medlar had progressed to the Purple stage, he requested help from the gathered audience to reach the level of White pain. He asked the audience members to abuse him using his uncle’s Patent Vituperator, an insult-generating word grid (see below).

After bearing the abuse of harsh-tongued spectators, Medlar finally declared that he had reached the level of White pain. The room celebrated with champagne.

To try the insult-generator for yourself, simply combine a word from each column to insult a dear friend or enemy.

Tedious Orchid Scented Wanker
Implausible Spunk Painted Pig-fucker
Overblown Pus Spouting Fart-arse
Vile Pretention Stuffed Sycophant
Toadying Daffodil Sniffing Arsehole
Petty-bourgeois Scrotum Faced Shit-head
Loathsome Gardenia Perfumed Prick-teaser
Pompous Poison Daubed Cockroach
Self-important Piss Jewelled Toad
Puffed-up Crap Bedizened Lout
Bloated Shit Eating Viper

 

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